Well, it's solved for now. I think...
Based on picture, I decided to visit my LHS to get his opinion/support. He confirmed what other posters inferred - that loose bolts were a problem on some units from the factory and the oiling the joint shouldn't have caused the problem. That was at least some relief. Some. I still feel like an oaf.
Anyway, he explained the alignment in detail and then tightened things down once it was set up correctly. There was also a tender cable alignment issue, so he showed me how to take the boiler shell off - very educational. Turns out the chassis was slightly warped! We were able to GENTLY straighten things and now the tender plugs in with no hassle.
When I got it home I ran it (somewhat reluctantly) around the layout at various speeds for around 20 minutes with no issues in forward or reverse. I now know what to look for so I'll be checking it frequently for a while, but I also know what to tighten, so as long as it doesn't happen at full tilt and I catch it, I can fix it.
Worse case: it cuts loose at high speeds and I don't get to it in time. It bends the heck out of the rods (not expensive to replace) and possible damages the motor (lso not terribly expensive). It is amazing how once you cast off your fears of something, it doesn't seem so grim. I confess that I never opened a steamer in any scale before, and now that I have, it doesn't freak me out.
So thanks for all the kind words and advice. Hopefully this thread helps someone else who runs into the same issue.
-Eric