The Tomlinson Run Railroad Presents the 1st Annual July 4th
Chef Wagon vs. Home Cook Grill-a-Thon
Fund Raiser and Cooking Competition
What better way to spend a hot summer holiday than over a hot grill in a hot competition with Tomlinson Run's hottest chefs and home cooks? There'll be fireworks for sure as the competitors fire up their grills! Proceeds from this great event will go towards restoring the railroad's aging smoker, Bob the flagman. The TR3 is a volunteer run line ("the short line with the short order chef"), and they are betting that today's event, held at the team track, will become a summer staple for years to come.
The Grill Off prize is a globe-shaped trophy nicknamed the Diving Bell due it's resemblance to a deep sea diver's helmet. The railroad's celebrity chef, Chuck Wagon, has had his eye on the coveted 'Tacky Bell' ever since it was delivered to the railroad office. During this first annual kick-off, you can count on him to think 'Outside the Boxcar' to make it his own.
The TRRR's steam crew's volunteer firemen are on hand to keep the coals burning brightly. Man are they stoked! When not volunteering at the scenic and culinary railroad, the firemen moonlight as the "Love Me Tenders". The LMTs are a popular acapella and do wop group with a steady gig across the tracks.
Their female counter parts, the "Chicken Tenders", give the boys a real run for their money at local gigs and super markets.
The boys have been known to "synch" to the challenge calling their better halves the "Dumb Clucks" -- behind their backs of course! (In retaliation, last week, the ladies sent the Love Me Tenders to the dog house to "tenderize".)
But it's all in jest. Yeah right! "Jest" Competition is what it's all about today! Sadly, the acclaimed British singing group "Tender is the Knight" couldn't attend the festivities. Some organizers speculate that the Brits are sore losers. Apparently, they lost some tea during a competition back in 1776 and never quite recovered. (Humm ... what's that next to Chef's dining car?)
For the TRRR's First Annual Grill Off, the "Tender Mercies" will take the Brits' spot, helping the other groups provide background vocals throughout the day's events. What luck! The children's choir from the Church of the Spaghetti Western Monster is always a crowd pleaser!!
The competition is staged on the TRRR's new flat car parked at the team track. The home cook competitors -- all talented challengers -- will feature a standard home-issue Webber grill. The grill was donated by Tomlinson Run's cigar chomping Mayor, "Smokey the Bandit" Joe Webber -- from the other Webber grill family -- the one with two "Bs". Meanwhile, the railroad's champion Chef Wagon is armed with his new lethal, if not entirely legal, Viking Professional Range and Grill. Yes, it's the model with the knobs that go up to 11! Some home cooks think that the Viking gives Chef Wagon an unfair boost. But Chef, who refuses to cook on what he considers a "boy toy" grill, assures the judges that the only thing that this Viking will raid is the pantry. (Mrs. Wagon is said to be at the ready with her rolling pin in hand should that happen.) To handicap the master chef and neutralize the master griller's unfair advantage, competitors are allowed to "team tag" -- two home chefs can compete together against one Chef Wagon. OK, he's a very large Wagon, but there's still only one of him.
There's lots to see before the judging starts. Let's take a quick look around the team track! ...
Uh-oh! What's this?! Just as the festivities get underway, Tomlinson Run's newly appointed Health Inspector, Nurse Ruth, discovers cigar ash in a vat of Chef Chuck Wagon's 3-alarm chili. Poor Chuck! He spent days creating enough of his prize winning product for the anticipated hungry and enthusiastic crowds. Nurse Ruth gave Chef's chili an additional alarm and the Fire Department came to the rescue dowsing it with water!
Ruth, who coincidentally is the Mayor's new girlfriend, can't imagine where the cigar ash came from. (Burned by Ruth's false alarm, Chef has dubbed her "Nurse Ratchet Up a Notch".)
Chef is beside himself, but the competition's about to start. There's no time for self-pity.
There's the ever ready Jed with the starter's lantern. Hold still Jed, you'll blur the shot! It's Ready, Set, Grill! And they're off! Grillyera**es-off!
The home cooks get off to a sizzlingly awkward start. SuZee, who took the competition's name a little too literally, learns that if you can't take the heat, girl, get off the grill! Sadly, her buns are toast, thus disqualifying her.
While SuZee cools off with a Coolman cooler, "Cool Hand" Luke Firewalker demonstrates the proper technique for competitive bun warming on July 4th.
Candice, the new waitress down at M'Elles Diner, keeps score for the judges on her always handy note pad. Way to go! Luke's on the scoreboard!
With the bun warming phase over, Rollo, the dog, (short for "Rollover and play dead, Who'sa GOOD BOY?") is sniffing out the competition in the hot dog grill-off segment. Someone questioned whether the dogs at the track were kosher, and doggone it, if Rollo's owner wasn't disqualified for snooping! Yep! Rollo and his owner were collared.
Up next are the father and son team, Big and Little Mann. Mrs. Mann's men are expected to finish strongly in the hot dog freestyle competition.
But Chef countered with great relish, which put them in a pickle, and maintained his lead.
Chef was beside himself, but in a good way.
Also taking advantage of the competition's two-for-one deal are fraternal twins, Tweedledee and Tweedledumb, or
Alphonse and Gaston, the Vendor-Bender brothers. It sure looks like the heavy artillery has arrived, but the bros can't hold a match to Chef Wagon's guacamole sauce let alone keep the home fries burning. Unable to get their charcoal briquets lit ("After you, Alphonse." "No, you first, my dear Gaston!"), the brothers simply ran out of time. Stick to veggies, guys, and better luck next year!
<<One long blast>> Well, there's the train whistle, the competition has come to an end! It's up to the judges now to huddle and then crown the winner! Chef's feeling mighty confident right about now.
Ladies and Gentlemen! The 1st Annual July 4th Grill-Off has a winner! The judges have made their decision, and it is unanimous! In a striking upset, this year the Dumb Bell, er, Diving Bell trophy goes to the cook with the most deceptively simple equipment: a fire and a sharpened stick!
It's back to basics at the TRRR. Yes, this year's winner for the best grilled hot dog is none other than Hoboken Bill -- or, as his friends call him, "Hobo" for short. Who could have imagined that this year's award-winning all beef hot dogs were produced by a bum steer? Whisking the trophy toward him, the enthusiastic judges were so excited that they unintentionally gave Hobo the bum's rush. Whoopsie daisy!
To crown the festivities and cap a wonderful July 4th, the acapella Love Me Tenders, joined by the Chicken Tenders, broke into celebratory song putting their iconic spin on the All-American classic "Who's in the Kitchen with Dinah?".
One unhappy celebrity Chef styled the song a "Bum Rap" before leaving for the solace of his BAT CAVE kitchen*. Yes, Chef is beside himself again this Fourth of July. Fortunately, there's a July fifth to look forward to. (Chef, begrudgingly, says he'll drink to that. Looks like that glass is "half-full" today.)
The First Annual Grill Off was a resounding success for the Tomlinson Run Railroad; so Chef, take heart there's always next year to kick th' bum out and claim the Diving Bell trophy. In the meantime, the Brits want to know whether you'd like lemon and milk with your tea or perhaps some sour grapes for your whine.
Happy Birthday America from Chef Chuck Wagon and all the New England patriots at the Tomlinson Run Railroad!
Tomlinson Run Railroad
DISCLAIMER: No artificial flavors, colors or by-products were used in this year's grill off.
