After the May 9th "incident", since dubbed SharkNATO by the locals in the Run, the Tomlinson Run Scenic and Culinary Railroad has put Executive Chef Chuck Wagon and his cooking experiments on a short leash. Literally. Per Railroad Rule #49: If whatever he's cooking can't be controlled by a leash, a chicken coop, a lobster pot, or safely put out to pasture; or Rule #52b: will fit in a toaster, the diner freezer or oven, or Chef's mouth <when it's closed>, Chuck can't cook it on the railroad's premises. Period. No if ands or shark butts. Just ask the Enforcers (they don't take any "bull" either):
Chef's on probation for a month of Sundays, which Chef Wagon is pretending to have misheard as a "mouthful of Sundays" and he is planning accordingly. He's ordered some whole milk from the local diary and was heard yelling, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for gourmet ice cream". And in spite of unusually high shag grass this year, the crowds flocked to the sound of Chef's voice.
Sure, it's loud, but it doesn't violate either Rule #49 or 52b and the Railroad bulls can't do a thing about it.
Besides, they're all too busy trying to get that tinkly ice cream truck jingle out of their heads. Did I mention that Chef's making ice cream with sheep's milk? Baaahhhd! Meanwhile, the new waitress, Candice ("Don't call me 'Candy'") Caine, is able but she can't find the sheep's milk ice cream on the menu. She's coined a new expression for this state: NOT-M or "not on the menu".
And speaking of baahhdd, Chef and his head Steward were so busy debating whether the sheep that the commissary sent over was really a milking sheep or a meat sheep because of its long tail, that neither one noticed that the entire milk shipment was seriously past its expiry date. Baaahhd! Guess it's up to the sheep now -- whichever kind it is:
Back to Chef's probation ... Of course, the management dweebs with their limited culinary vision don't know about Chef's secret kitchen hidden deep below the RR commissary. But what they don't know won't hurt them. Wait a minute! (Or a minute and 20 seconds at higher altitudes.) This is Chef Wagon -- Chef Chuck Wagon we're talking about! The man with the explosive tastebuds and the temper to match.
For the moment, however, Chef is chastened. Destined for greatness as he believes he is, Chef's chaffing like his favorite dish. From the bowls [yes, bowls] of his secret lair, the Baking and Tasting Culinary Award Verifying Environment (or, B.A.T. C.A.V.E.), he sits stewing and brewing as he thumbs through kitchen catalogs like fevered gardeners with their Burpees in the dead of winter plan for the coming spring. Any "burpees" coming out of the commissary basement can immediately be traced by their distinctive floral notes directly to Chef and "Drunk Uncle" Ignatius (nicknamed DUI). Chuck and his assistant, a Boy Named Sou Chef, have reportedly been brewing up a nice sour Flemish-style ale that Chef has dubbed H'Ale Storm. It sounds just like a character for a new Marvel Comics team but has a smoother finish. Here, the boys do the Monsta Mash:
But WHAT oh WHAT does any of this blathering have to do with Team Track Tuesday, you might ask!?! Patience, grasshopper (NOT-M). Our world-renowned Chef is on probation and as a result the world must patiently endure along side him. Kinda missing the misbehaving chef already aren't you? But take heart (NOT-M), prior to the shark attack, Chef managed to order shiny new KITCHEN APPLIANCES (!). Yes, from his secret under ground lair he contacted his secret underground liar, the Easter Island headed man (from whom Chef buys his giant Easter eggs), and placed a tall order.
The express delivery to the team track was late today because the conductor and engineer got to gabbing about Chef's misadventures and the delivery schedule flew out the proverbial window. And, then there was the gondola-load full of past its prime sheep's milk to unload and move! Hence all our stalling. The train has just pulled on to the team track and the boys will start to unload Chef's brand new free range appliances! Free ... range ... appliances! Yes, folks, it just doesn't get any better than this! They'll be the perfect complement to Chef's free range chicken and eggs -- whichever came first! And, speaking of first ...
First out the door and onto the loading dock: WOW! Chuck ordered the Viking Professional "Spinal Tap" Limited Edition cook stove. The "Eddie Bauer" edition only came in hunter green; Chef obviously would have preferred Brunswick. The Spinal Tap edition has knobs that go up to 11. Chef will make heavy use of this feature when he puts his distinctive twist on the railroad's summer "Rock and Roll" diner-themed excursion. Consumer Reports, however, issued a warning that drumsticks have been observed to disappear when this feature is in use. But Chef doesn't care; he's a rock on a roll.
Next up, Chef just loves his new "Frigid Dare" ice box. He plans to dare some unsuspecting line cook to climb inside it. Too bad for the line cook that it's not a walk-in freezer, but you get what you pay for with free range appliances. Besides, afterward, the line cook can thaw out and get toasty or burnt to a crisp with the flick of a switch with Chef's new two-slice wonder. See the little "toaster with the moster" on the back of the truck (below):
Don't be surprised if, late one night, you catch Chef with a Pop-Tart. =GASP!!= Get your minds out of the gutter, Grasshoppers! It's a wholesome food snack revered by college students and borderline brilliantly insane chefs the world over!
And speaking of late nights, there's Chef's two pot coffee maker and burner for when he's roasting half-caf'/half calf? ... or is it "de calf"? Whatever! It's sure to be tasty when Chef turns up the heat:
With the heavy items out of the way, there's still more to come! Chef is looking forward to getting all decked out in his new Fiesta ware, which he mistakenly thought was a suit of clothes. I'm not gonna tell him, are you? He'll just have to settle for a half-baked bakeware set, also included in today's shipment. I'm sure he'll get a rise out of that. Here's Chef proudly modeling his new wear -- festive isn't it?:
But the crowning glory is the last to be unloaded. (Well, actually "Drunk Uncle" Ignatius is always the last to be unloaded ...) But, ignoring Ignatius for the moment, Chef has gone simply gaga over the antique tiled restaurant counter buried at the back of the boxcar:
It has a real pink marble top that is awaiting final restoration by the TRRR's shops to bring out its natural purple and brown striations. Chuck can't wait to see it installed in his 1930s diner building that the RR bought him -- unassembled. Unfortunately, the builder is as slow as molasses in Chef's new Frigid Dare. Good thing he has a new stove that goes up to 11 to warm things up.
Teaser: Speaking of warming things up, Chef and his staff are planning a big event for July 4th at the TRRR's team track, and it just happens to fall on a Tuesday! What IS that mysterious globe-shaped object that the team unloaded at the team track today? It wasn't part of Chef's order and it's NOT-M. Find out on the Fourth of July!
Tomlinson Run Railroad for Chef who's too obsessed (possessed?) with his new toys to sign off.
creative week!!
