Am I alone or are there others like me?

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Except for losing a child nothing is worse than losing your mother. I lost mine 27 years ago and I still miss her every day. I don’t have a similar situation as you but I am not one of the guys like Eric Seigal. Eric is a great guy but he along with others have a much bigger budget for this hobby than I do.  I have learned to accept the amount of money I can spend on the hobby and that there are so many more ways to enjoy this hobby than spending large amounts of money. Most importantly is the friendships you make along the way. You can’t put a price on that.

Over the last 22 years I have built up a small but satisfying collection of trains and I am near to the point of not needing any more. Like Cheryl Crow said you have to learn to be happy with you have or something to that effect. I sincerely hope that you don’t have to sell your trains.

I don’t understand why your father is so against your train hobby. It definitely sounds like he isn’t treating you fairly but unfortunately a lot of people not into trains think that the people that are into trains are very nerdy. It’s a shame because I wish I had a son who liked trains like myself.

All I can say is I hope things get better for you and I do remember at least one other person some years ago on this forum telling his story and he had a parent or parents who were against his train hobby. There may not be many people in your position but you are not the only one. Good luck.

Wow Cody - you've been through a lot. I'm so sorry about your Mom and I'm glad she was supportive of your hobby.

Model trains have been part of my life since childhood and I'm thankful that my parents encouraged the hobby when I was young.

Trust God - I'm sure you've got a great future!

Cody, I had a manipulative mom that tried to run my life and that of my dad. My dad wrote to his brother that he was considering suicide (he did not go through with it). I took my mom's side in things only because she was an overpowering person and could browbeat me into compliance. Even so, I had my model train hobby, and I could have continued to live at home with her and enjoy my hobbies. But I recognized in my mid-20's that my life would never be my own unless I left home and became independent, even if I had to give up my hobbies (temporarily) and even if I couldn't afford anything more than a one room apartment and a set of cheap dishes. My mom pleaded with me, swore at me, threatened me, but I finally left.

Even after I left, my mom remained a demanding presence in my life. I finally married (against her wishes), and eventually had to choose between my mom and my wife, because my mom would not compromise. I chose my wife. 😊 And the hobbies gradually came back.

So, Cody, I would advise you to put aside the trains for a while, and work towards saving enough money and getting a good enough job that will enable you to move out of your family's home and live on your own, no matter how humble the circumstances. Until you are able to support yourself and not depend on your dad, you will not be free of the situation that is troubling you.

While I am sorry for the loss of your Mom, I lost my dad when I was three, and my Mom when I was seventeen so I was on my own from then on in, paying rent, working two jobs, going to school, watching all my friends party while I had to go to work just to make ends meet, paying my own insurance and everything else for that matter.  Mac & Cheese was my diet! Trains???? Although I had a collection, what were they? They didn't even enter the picture! They were so far down on the priority list that they didn't even matter!  If I may I ask, what age bracket are we talking about?

Cody, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament - no one deserves to have an unsupportive parent.  In the long term, I agree with West Side Joe that your best bet is to move out of your home.  I understand from your past posts that you have ASD so you have challenges which are different from the rest of us who are neuro-typical, but that in no way means they are unsurmountable.   I would suggest visiting the Autism Speaks website at:

https://www.autismspeaks.org/resource-guide

Here you will find many resources dedicated specifically for those with ASD.   They have an Autism Response Team which is an information line for the autism community.  Team members are specially trained to provide personalized information and resources to people with autism and their families.   The phone number is 1-888-288-4762.  If you are not in a position to call due to lack of privacy there is a link at the bottom of their webpage to chat directly with someone.

With respect to the government shutdown - you can put your mind at ease and not worry.  Medicaid is not impacted by any government shut down because Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are among the mandatory spending that isn't subject to annual appropriations from Congress.

In the short term, I can think of a few ways to enjoy your trains short of setting them up on your living room floor:

- do you have room in your bedroom to run trains?  Even if half the track is under a bed it's still running trains.

- how about a basement?  Or garage?

- or how about outside on the lawn using an extension cord for power?

Perhaps you could provide more information about your current living space so we can come up with some ideas which may work for you.

Bottom line, don't give up and don't despair!

-Greg

@Greg Houser posted:

Cody, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament - no one deserves to have an unsupportive parent.  In the long term, I agree with West Side Joe that your best bet is to move out of your home.  I understand from your past posts that you have ASD so you have challenges which are different from the rest of us who are neuro-typical, but that in no way means they are unsurmountable.   I would suggest visiting the Autism Speaks website at:

https://www.autismspeaks.org/resource-guide

Here you will find many resources dedicated specifically for those with ASD.   They have an Autism Response Team which is an information line for the autism community.  Team members are specially trained to provide personalized information and resources to people with autism and their families.   The phone number is 1-888-288-4762.  If you are not in a position to call due to lack of privacy there is a link at the bottom of their webpage to chat directly with someone.

With respect to the government shutdown - you can put your mind at ease and not worry.  Medicaid is not impacted by any government shut down because Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are among the mandatory spending that isn't subject to annual appropriations from Congress.

In the short term, I can think of a few ways to enjoy your trains short of setting them up on your living room floor:

- do you have room in your bedroom to run trains?  Even if half the track is under a bed it's still running trains.

- how about a basement?  Or garage?

- or how about outside on the lawn using an extension cord for power?

Perhaps you could provide more information about your current living space so we can come up with some ideas which may work for you.

Bottom line, don't give up and don't despair!

-Greg

i live with my godfamily not my dad anymore. my god parents are part of a company called better connections that does help folks with disabilities and about 3 years ago my god family let me buy a train set and i've slowly been adding to it since then. trouble is our house is so small that i don't have enough room to play especially with my ceberal paulsy being on my knees or sitting indian style on the floor can get very painful. i have no space for any benchwork at all. i also don't bring my stuff outside because i can't carry it down the stairs and into the yard. although i have toyed with the possibility as it would look very realistic and as me being a film student be great for filming. also my god parents have gotten sticker shock even from used stuff at my hobbyshop . i found my holy grail engine Lionel southern pacific 8228 dash 9 from 1997 but it was 600 bucks at my hobby shop in which another favorite train the 2000 service station set with the alco c420 was there too but out of budget.

You are most certainly not alone.

Go here and look around.

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/

Helped someone I know understand and cope with being non neurotypical.

Cody,

I am sorry to learn about your situation.

There may be a model train club in your area where you could connect with fellow modelers and run your trains.  Your profile doesn't say where you live so it is difficult for us to know.  Maybe some of the forum members live in your area and would be willing to help.  NH Joe  

@New Haven Joe posted:

Cody,

I am sorry to learn about your situation.

There may be a model train club in your area where you could connect with fellow modelers and run your trains.  Your profile doesn't say where you live so it is difficult for us to know.  Maybe some of the forum members live in your area and would be willing to help.  NH Joe  

i live in greenville north carolina. i tried joining an o gauge club called the east carolina railroaders but they never called me about meets or contacted me even though i gave them my info. plus with covid and most members being in the high risk catagory i doubt they are still meeting right now

While nowhere as difficult as your situation, my parents only ever really hesitated to me buying trains (expensive!).  While I do not have a layout of my own yet, I have joined a nice local club and gotten to now some folks there and even furthered my interest in 3d printing as artistic expression and as a hobby.  As a younger guy in the hobby (regarding the average age), I do find conversing with some older railroading folks to be a bit of a disconnect at times.  Not so much intimating but different wavelengths.

My advice would be to take a deep breath and take a moment.  Don't do anything rash and take a look at your options.  Invest in some shelving for your room to at least keep a train or two out and not all squirreled away in a box.  Is there any clubs in your area? A lot of times you might be able to get a little bit of space in a back area to keep a train or two there (not all members like moving things back and forth every time).

If there isn't, look into starting one!  Many times you can meet new people and look to acquire a space in a struggling mall.  Clubs are attractions that draw people which help fill empty spaces.  It'll solve your space and layout issues, and allow you to meet new people.  There are lots of ways to fundraise for club creation/operations that don't require much effort; I imagine your godparents can help with organizing that a bit.  This later way will allow you to progress in the hobby, without breaking the bank, and in terms of careers will help your resume ('started and manage a community organization related to history in spare time").  Lots of clubs on here too which can give you advice on how to start (actually someone should make a detailed "so you want to start a club" step/by/step guide on the forum...).

This might also help with your dad situation.  Turning your hobby into a career advantage, and applying your skills (you mentioned film student?) to benefit from the hobby, might allow him to see 'trains' in a new light. 

You're not alone. I lost my mom as a young man, too, it was terrible. My siblings sold her house out from under me and I ended up making my way in the world. Eventually joined the army, despite having a great job in construction - what a plunge I took in both pay and culture.

As a sufferer of PTSD and OCD, I can attest that electric trains and layout building can be a great digression from a world that can be very ugly. Greg Houser gave good advice, above. Even when I lived in a very small row house - about 9' wide by 35' long - and was very busy with college and work, I would carve out time to build layouts in modular form. It's very good therapy in my opinion.

You might get more subscribers if you add a link to your YouTube Channel as a signature.

Not sure if this will make you feel any better, but if I could go back in time, I'd have spent less time focusing on trains at your age, and more on pursuits that would've forwarded my life in terms of career and savings and investments.  Plenty of time for trains later.  I'd bet ya anything that most of us returned to trains in our 40's after decades away.

Jon

For those of you offering advice, rather than comfort, please realize that we are dealing with Cerebral Palsy, ASD and a person living with God-parents working for an agency known as Better Connections.  We may not be getting a clear and total picture of the situation, so let's rein in the family, career and place of your own talk for now.

Paigetrain, I understand your frustrations.  My first, short marriage ended in shambles because I prioritized trains over other obligations.  Then I had to sell all my trains at a loss to settle accounts.  Now, I'm married again and have managed to slowly collect the trains I like, even though they may never be run.  I have learned to enjoy the hobby as best I can, and I hope you do too.

Chuck

@KOOLjock1 posted:

Not sure if this will make you feel any better....

I'm sure you meant well but it won't make him feel any better because you're a NT and are not part of the population of folks with atypical developmental, cognitive, or intellectual abilities so you're looking at the issue through the wrong lens.

-Greg

Is there anyone here local to Cody that is involved in a train club?

@paigetrain posted:

i live with my godfamily not my dad anymore. my god parents are part of a company called better connections that does help folks with disabilities and about 3 years ago my god family let me buy a train set and i've slowly been adding to it since then. trouble is our house is so small that i don't have enough room to play especially with my ceberal paulsy being on my knees or sitting indian style on the floor can get very painful. i have no space for any benchwork at all. i also don't bring my stuff outside because i can't carry it down the stairs and into the yard. although i have toyed with the possibility as it would look very realistic and as me being a film student be great for filming. also my god parents have gotten sticker shock even from used stuff at my hobbyshop . i found my holy grail engine Lionel southern pacific 8228 dash 9 from 1997 but it was 600 bucks at my hobby shop in which another favorite train the 2000 service station set with the alco c420 was there too but out of budget.

@paigetrain Cody - we all have to deal with financial restrictions with not only this hobby but life as well.   Many of us could only afford the most inexpensive items when we were younger and had to scrounge for scenery items or use our imagination.   I would suggest using the internet as a tool to find the items you mentioned as I found both from reputable sellers on Ebay for far less than MSRP.  If you find an item from an online source you can always post on the forum for advice and feedback on buying from a particular source.   Another option would be to work with your family on perhaps splitting the cost or asking for as a combined birthday and Christmas (or other holiday) present.

With respect to your current problem with running trains - what are the dimensions of you bedroom? Or can you post a picture?  With your cerebral palsy are you able to perhaps place a board or 2" thick piece of foam on top of your bed?  I'm thinking that perhaps you can place a board of some sort on top of your bed to run trains on during the day and then put away before going to bed.  You could sit on a chair to run the trains and perhaps use a piece of furniture to place the transformer on top of if needed.

-Greg

One day at a time my friend.

Greg has a good idea. Another thing you might think of is scouting your local Goodwill or other thrift shop for a folding card table. They’ll hold a circle of 027 but will fit under a twin bed. I’m assuming you have O gauge, which is the easiest to handle. In HO or N, you could get an entire town on a card table, but they’re harder to work on.

You don’t have to answer, but how much does your cerebral palsy affect your hands? I have mobility issues myself and use a Beyour Walker which allows me to stand, leaning on the forearm rests, and still have my hands free to work on things. The cane holder will also hold a monopod if you want a steady camera mount. There are a lot of other mobility helps that can make life much easier. Instead of buying them, take a look at the accessibility items on Thingiverse.com. A lot of us have 3D printers and can easily print the little things like tool grips, pen holders, bottle openers and other useful items, and they’re so light that if no forum member is close to you, we can mail them. (We print train stuff, too. Oh boy, do we print train stuff.)

You’re definitely not alone with autism or physical disabilities. Being on the spectrum doesn’t have to keep you from living a good full life. (It hasn’t stopped any of the three of us.) Two of Neil Young’s children have autism and at least one has cerebral palsy. His dad wanted him to be able to enjoy the family layout, so he came up with one of the first train control systems almost anyone can use. The skills you gain from working with model trains can translate to many other fields, and believe it or not, the ability to hyper focus can actually help with some jobs. You may be in a bad spot right now, but that’s now, not forever.

In terms of where to run the trains, I agree with others your bedroom may be the place.  One thing I thought of, if you have a layout that can fit under your bed (which is not uncommon), you could have it on something light, like rigid foam board to have a small layout on. You could have a pair of small foldable sawhorses (places like Harbor Freight have them cheaply) that you could unfold, put the layout board on there so you aren't on the floor, and then when you are done you could put the layout under the bed and fold up the sawhorses. Usually when people do this they make it so any structures and whatnot that can't fit under the bed are removable.

Another option that is more complicated that people have done is to have an around the walls shelf layout, but I suspect that may be beyond your means and it can be complicated by having to deal with doors and such. The other one some people have done if there is an open wall in the bedroom, have a layout that is attached to the wall with a hinge and can be swung down when not in use.

The cost side is tough, especially when you have a limited budget.  It could be your godparents don't have the resources to spend on train stuff. Have you talked to your godparents about wanting to have a layout in your bedroom? Maybe they would be willing to work with you on an under the bed layout. Are they against you having trains, or is it they just don't have the financial resources for the expensive stuff?  My suggestion, for what  it is worth, is to sit down and talk to them about what you want to do. Maybe they would be willing to work out a budget with you so you know how much you can spend. The bedroom layout idea could work for both you and your godparents, if you have space in the room (if you share a room, that might be a problem).

I am not in the same position as you are in but I can say that most of us have experienced that frustration. Some of us on here have very limited money due to life circumstances, people with kids obviously have different priorities. The people with the big layouts and are buying the expensive engines and such are at a stage of life where they can afford it, where they have the income  and the space. I have been planning to build a layout since we moved into the house we live in and it has been a frustrating 25 years, I had to renovate the basement, then design a layout, build the train table, and am now (slowly) laying track and even there there is a tradeoff, my basement isn't large and I share space with a laundry room and storage and furnace and hot water heater, so my layout is fairly small.

Some of the delay was time, with commuting and long hours with work, with work around the house and time with things my son was doing, didn't have that much left. Financially there were a lot of other priorities until fairly recently that precluded doing much. . You see the guys with the big layouts with the huge runs and switches,guys buying the expensive engines,  but if you follow this forum you will realize a lot of us have much more humble layouts because it is what we can do, so you are not alone. Some of the people on here have less than enthusiastic spouses, too (I am fortunate, my wife has been encouraging, if it wasn't for her I likely wouldn't be anywhere with my dream. )

Hopefully this helps a bit, but the answer is while your circumstances are unique, a lot of people on here share the frustrations and such you are expressing.

@bigkid posted:

You see the guys with the big layouts with the huge runs and switches,guys buying the expensive engines,  but if you follow this forum you will realize a lot of us have much more humble layouts because it is what we can do, so you are not alone.

Couldn't agree more.

I simply have some track in my play room floor going around the baseboards and highly enjoy it.

I typically stick with Lionchief plus, Railking engines and the used market to keep the budget down as well.

Very sorry about your mother and I wish you the best in your current situation as my mother passed on July 4th this year.

Just remember you are young and your situation is only "current" and doesn't have to be the norm.

Once again I wish you the best, a bright future and hope all of your goals and dreams come true.

Brad

Cody, from the responses you are getting, I hope you see you’re not alone. Don’t give up, and enjoy the trains you have, and it doesn’t hurt to dream bigger.

Some really good advice here from a lot of us who do care.

I am 62. I have been into trains since maybe 12. In my parents home I had a small layout (N scale) in my room on wheels that I could roll under the bed. After I moved out I had better things to focus on like food, housing, career, women. I started to get back into trains, N, HO and O about 14 years ago. My ex-wife complained about everything, the money I spent, trying to set something up, etc. It was not until I met my second and current wife that I found someone supportive of my hobbies. I bought my house before I remarried thinking it would be big enough. Then she moved in and everything stayed in boxes in storage. My "man cave" devolved into a storage area and was dirty and almost unusable. My wife, bless her, suggested I build an extension to the house. She helped work out the finances. I now have a 28 x 12 man cave. 20 x 12 train room and an 8 x 12 workshop. We had them redo the original man cave with the same floor, paint and lights. I'm not sure exactly had big the room is, but it is also for me though I have to share area for a freezer,

Now I have my room with all my train stuff. And it is something of a mess. I have a 6 x 10 table for the O (or HO) and a 8 x 3.5' farm table (holds the N Christmas layout during the holidays and a sorting/work table otherwise). A couple of metal shelf units and 60' of Glen Snyder train shelves (and I already need more).

I am working on a layout for the living room for Christmas, my wife rolled her eyes but she likes it. We have a tree that is just for train ornaments, which in the last few years the number of which seems to have grown absurdly. And she seeks them out almost more than I do. She brought home a Halloween train display the other day.

So 10 to 62. I've waited 52 years. It was a long journey and I had to find the right person to be with. You have to get control of your life. In the meantime try N. Kato track sets up and breaks down easily and is quality stuff. Stick to DC and the engines are quite cheap, new or used. If they are to small for you, try HO. Kato also makes track for that and DC engines are not expensive.

I wish you the best. Everybody has issues in their life to one degree or another no matter what the surface looks like.

Frank

Hey Cody, you’re not alone. I’ve had times where the cost of school and other things in life forced me to sell off my collection. Guys like Eric Siegel and Ravenhawk are not the majority, many of us don’t have large collections of high end models. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your health situation. I hope you work out some way to get your trains running! I also hope you know the good folks on this forum are always on your side! Everyone that has a youtube channel please give Cody a sub: https://youtube.com/channel/UCjG4brPeSMXZARIz3yRQw-Q

I do not have any relevant experience to share, but I will simply state "bravo" for your willingness to be open and share your situation with others on this forum.  From several of the responses, I am reminded why I came to this forum and why I stay here.  There are a lot of wonderful resources and supporting people who help make this hobby more complete for all of us.

hello cody

with Christmas coming you can put a train under the tree

kevin

@biscuitag97 posted:

Hey Cody, you’re not alone. I’ve had times where the cost of school and other things in life forced me to sell off my collection. Guys like Eric Siegel and Ravenhawk are not the majority, many of us don’t have large collections of high end models. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your health situation. I hope you work out some way to get your trains running! I also hope you know the good folks on this forum are always on your side! Everyone that has a youtube channel please give Cody a sub: https://youtube.com/channel/UCjG4brPeSMXZARIz3yRQw-Q

thanks for giving my channel a shoutout . it really helps

Hi Cody,

Sorry to hear about you losing your mom at such a young age and thank you for sharing your feelings with us on the forum.  You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and several other forum members had some good advice. I looked up the website for Better Connections in Greenville, NC. They offer a lot of support services.  Here in California, I have a nephew who works for an agency that helps people with disabilities transition from living with family to living independently either alone or in a group home. Maybe Better Connections could help you with something like that.  

Give that train club another chance.

BTW, for about 35 years my train layout consisted of a 4’ X 4’ board under the Christmas tree. Even today the permanent layout I’m building is 3’ X 9’. Not everyone has a huge budget and layout. I own about 6 locomotives and I’ve never paid more than $140 for any one of them. $600 is a lot of money.

John

Cody, I added a link to your YouTube channel in your signature. Good luck with it.

@Rich Melvin posted:

Cody, I added a link to your YouTube channel in your signature. Good luck with it.

thank you and i subscribed to you as well

Thanks, Cody!

The secret to building a following on your YouTube channel is content. I’m certainly no expert and my YouTube channel is tiny, but I try to publish something new on my channel every couple of weeks.

Condolences on the loss of your mother. 

Looking at your you tube channel I noted that you have already learned about one of the best and least expensive parts of our hobby, the ability to enjoy the dream books.  Your layout always starts in your imagination.

I understand that your train concerns are real and to you seemingly unattainable.  There is always going to be someone with a bigger or better this or that in life.   It seems that everyone no matter how successful has concerns.   I'm sure that everyone you think has attained the unattainable has moments of quiet desperation.  Do not let your immediate concerns bring you down.   Life is not always a straight path.

One of the best things about the forum is that as you read, we see the all kinds of layouts, large and small warts and all.   People don't publish their worst views or usually talk about their failures.  That is just not human nature, but look and read the forum and you will see and hear, everyone's layout is a work in progress.

As to your attempts at joining a club.  When I was way younger, I would go to neighborhood train shops.  I did not have a lot of money.  I noticed that there was usually an older man working on fixing some engine or car.  Back in the day when there were train stores, those guys would sit and smoke and work.  If you spoke to them they would usually grumble before looking your way.  They may have frightened off some of their customers.  However, if you stuck around, spent the time to listen, they would come around.    It takes time for some people to see others when they are otherwise occupied. 

My point is that maybe you may be catching the grumblers at the train club that are waiting to see if you express interest.  One time calling is fine, but faint heart does not always succeed.   Try again and ask if there is something you can do to help.  Maybe offer to video their events.   Maybe help the members with your computer skills. 

We all have different skills, the only thing we share is we all live the same day.  Carpe diem.

@biscuitag97 posted:

Hey Cody, you’re not alone. I’ve had times where the cost of school and other things in life forced me to sell off my collection. Guys like Eric Siegel and Ravenhawk are not the majority, many of us don’t have large collections of high end models. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and your health situation. I hope you work out some way to get your trains running! I also hope you know the good folks on this forum are always on your side! Everyone that has a youtube channel please give Cody a sub: https://youtube.com/channel/UCjG4brPeSMXZARIz3yRQw-Q

Excellent idea, subscribed!

TJ

Like you, I'm "small potatoes" but I love my trains and work on them as much as I can.

If you are pressed for $$$, sell some of your least favorites but hang onto the rest.  The govt "shutdown" appears to have been just another paper tiger and you should be fine.

Severely pressed for rent money, in the early '80s, I was encouraged to sell my trains as a matter of survival but should have held onto more than just my first equipment, Christmas presents of my youth.  I regretted having done that and I would discourage you from making the same mistake.  Thin the herd, if you must, but hang onto your favorites.

God gave us our small (O Gauge) pleasures to steer us away from far more problematic ones.  Your resentments are understandable but they damage no one but you.  I'm sure you can find a way to enjoy your trains quietly until you can have a place of your own.  You're a young man and, though time seems to crawl - especially when you're unhappy - you'll outlive your problems and they'll seem small, in retrospect.

I was one of your "followers" but somehow that got changed.  Who knows?  Maybe I pushed the wrong button.  However, I have since re-followed you and enjoy your postings.

Hold fast!